Susceptible to Images

Pasted in my dog-eared cookbook (Cooking of Provincial France, 1968) is a 1969 label from a
Beaujolais Saint-Amour, a burgundy produced by “Jaboulet-Vercherre.” The square label, designed
in tones of burgundy, white and metallic gold is stamped “JV” and includes a coat-of-arms bannered “
in tenebris lumen rectis,” i.e.“true light in the darkness.” I recall drinking large draughts of the
Beaujolais while mastering the art of Coquille Saint-Jacques a la Provencale, which incidentally,
should be served with a dry white wine.

By Judith Ann Moriarty

Marilyn Monroe (a.k.a. Norma Jeane Baker) died in 1962. She was
36-years-old, but her sex goddess image has found new life on the
“Marilyn Merlot” label of a 2003 Napa Valley Winery libation, which I
bought at Groppi’s in Bay View. There she is, in living color…head
thrown back, rosy lips parted to reveal pearly teeth, her famous eyes
partially closed. She’s clad in a ribbed white tank-top; a delicate
necklace dripping with sea shells and polished stones hangs and
around her famous neck. A label on the bottle’s backside informs
that “royalties paid, benefit The Lee Strasberg Theatre, where she
studied drama.” It’s rumored she favored sparkling champagne, so
perhaps her ruby lips never ever sipped Merlot. Wine expert Stephen
Bainbridge (ProfessorBainbridge.com) claims Marilyn Merlot is
“middling,” so I guess she didn’t miss much. I may let my bottle
collect dust until I sell in on eBay.

The good professor suggests that instead of the not-so-great 2003
Marilyn Merlot, connoisseurs should sip the 2003 “Velvet
Collections” wine, labeled with photographs taken of her in 1949. If
you recall those photographs (which became the centerfold for the
inaugural issue of Playboy Magazine), Marilyn lay posed on a red
velvet drape, naked as a jaybird, however, the wine labels have been
altered to include glittery red sashes designed to disguise her
breasts and pubic area. Bainbridge muses that perhaps, this was to

get the label past the federal censors. A fire at a storage facility wiped out most of this vintage,
however, and sent prices skyrocketing…to the moon. Take heart. In September, I spotted an
unopened bottle, including the original box, on eBay. $319.19.

Bainbridge rates this particular offering as “pleasant and fruity,” with a hint of blackberry and currant
flavors. Good, but not great. Face it, you’re buying Monroe, not the wine.

Graceland Cellars, a spin-off of Elvis’ Memphis mansion, can get you into “Blue Suede Chardonnay,”
“Jailhouse Merlot,” and, God bless us, an “All Shook Up Sauvignon Blanc.” It’s doubtful that The King
would have used any of this to wash down his peanut butter/ marshmallow sandwiches, and/or pills.
But hold on, the cellars now have a newer edition of Elvis wines, and if you visit their website, you’ll
find labels such as “The King Cabernet Sauvignon,” “Jailhouse Red,” with the aforementioned “Blue
Suede Chardonnay,” back for a replay. A “Velvet Elvis” Cabernet Sauvignon, is labeled with a velvet
painting of the hip-shaker, and comes entombed in a black velvet-lined gift box. The website
(bannered “Rock ‘n’ Roll Never Tasted So Good!) proclaims the edition is limited to five hundred 1.5
liter Magnum bottles…2 per customer @ $99.99 each. Rock on.

So what’s going on here? When did formerly understated wine labels start to become “arty?”

When the tomb of King Tut was opened in 1922, three dozen plain pottery wine jars were discovered,
twenty six of which had hieroglyphs telling of the vineyard location, the estate where it was produced,
and the vinter who produced it. Two pots were labeled as “very good.” Did Tut, who died in 1352 BC,
ever sup from the jars accompanying him to his afterlife? Some were found to be empty.

Paper labels as we know them today, weren’t developed for general use until around 1860, when
manufacturers understood how to make them stick to glass. Prior to that, well-heeled households
used silver “bottle tickets” hung by narrow silver chains from wine decanters. European wineries of
the 1740’s, sold their products unlabeled, but they were meant to be stacked in bins, the contents of
which, were then identified with glazed pottery “tags.” Later, these tags were left unglazed so more
information about the bin could be added. Back then, labels were designed to inform.

Consider this lofty label from a late 1800’s bottle of sweet red Tokay wine from Hungary:

“This wine having been stored in wood for the full period necessary for maturity, and all unwholesome
acids being thereby eliminated, is safely included in the dietary scale of the invalid; whilst its fine
delicate bouquet will please the taste of the connoisseur.”

Unlike the back label on Marilyn Merlot, which gets right to the point:

“Government Warning: According to the Surgeon General, women
should not drink alcoholic beverages during pregnancy”…blah, blah.

With so much creepy regulatory info on wine bottles (contains
sulfites! Do not operate machinery, etc.), is it any wonder marketers
use crazy designs in order to attract buyers? If you are an artist (isn’t
everyone?), you can now design your own label or enter a label-
making contest. Think about it: an image of Mona Lisa, sporting a
red mustache (obviously, a rip-off from the “Got Milk” campaign),
took first prize in Wine Maker Magazine’s 2001 contest. The label is
absurd, but not half as absurd as a bottle of Muscat with a cat label.

Apparently 2005 was the year of “animal” labels, many of which line
the shelves of the Wine & Spirits shop adjacent to the Pick ‘N Save
off Ogden Avenue. Australian wines take the lead with leaping
kangaroos, black swans and penguins. I also spotted a slovenly
hippo on a bottle of “Fat Bastard,” along with labels of snarling
bears, dancing bulls, and on a bottle of “3 Blind Moose,” a trio of
moose wearing dark glasses. The next aisle brought me to an
angelic daVinci image on a 2005 Chianti label, and then to a bottle
of “Mad Housewife,” imaged with a spatula-wielding dame wearing
cats-eye glasses, too much chunky jewelry and a pink frock. The
manager of the shop apologized that he didn’t have any Marilyn
Merlot, but a salesperson at nearby Koppa's on Farwell sold me a
bottle of “Frontier Red.” Fess Parker, complete with coonskin cap, is
on the label.

When it comes to labels, Wisconsin lags. Those of Door County’s
Peninsula Winery are boringly bland, with small drawings of various
fruits (blackberry, raspberry, sweet cherry and cranberry) depicting
the flavors of their product. At least the Botham Vineyards
(Barneveld, Wisconsin), make a stab at fame with their “Big Stuff
Red” label. What’s not to love about a photographic image of a
blonde toddler admiring a bunch of grapes? The gift shop at the
Milwaukee Art Museum carries MAM’s very own designer wine,
produced by Door County’s Stone’s Throw Winery. It’s no big
surprise that the Calatrava addition graces that label.

Enter Martha Stewart. Madonna, whose dad owns a
Michigan winery. Lorraine Bracco of “Sopranos” fame;
Fleetwood Mac and race-car demons Jeff Gordon (hot!)
and Mario Andretti. Live musician Bob Dylan; dead
musician Jerry Garcia. All are lending, or are about to
lend their names to the world of wines. Actually, this ploy
is similar to the long list of artists who (starting in 1946)
designed labels for Chateau Mouton Rothschild: Tamayo,
Warhol, Haring, Lippold, Picasso and Miro, to name a
few. However, they didn’t feature their mugs on the
labels, instead, they depicted images of their various
styles of art-making. Balthus’1993 label of a reclining
nude nymphet, failed to make it through the U.S. Bureau
of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms. The problem was
solved by substituting a blank space for the
nymphet…but only for the U.S. market where it became a
collector’s item.

Welcome to your neighborhood liquor emporium. Paris
Hilton has a namesake perfume, so why not launch a
Paris Pinot? Frankly, I’m waiting for Burt Lancaster’s
gorgeous film Noir bod to enliven a bottle of Pinot Noir,
though I may just have to settle for Britney on a so-so
Bordeaux.

- Judith Ann Moriarty

(Judith Ann Moriarty is a frequent contributor to
Susceptible to Images).

Comments?
Email comments@susceptibletoimages.com